🌀 This One Is Personal: Just Me, Trying to Make Sense of Everything

Hello everyone.

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I don’t really know how to start this 🙂

This post isn’t about a topic or analysis.

It’s just about me.

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Lately, I feel very confused 😮‍💨

Sometimes I just zone out.

Sometimes I feel mentally exhausted without even understanding why.

And honestly… I’m tired of explaining myself to people.

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At home, things feel overwhelming.

I help with work from morning till afternoon

I try to do everything I’m told

I was told to find a job

Then when I found one, I was told not to do it

There’s still one year left of my master’s, so I didn’t take that job.

But now, I’m being told that I just sit at home and do nothing 😭

And that hurts… because I know how much I’m actually doing.

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There’s also this constant comparison.

People my age are earning.

They are doing something with their lives.

And my family is very focused on government jobs.

They want me to give exams and get a position.

And honestly… I understand that.

But after my graduation, I didn’t even plan to do a master’s.

I wanted to focus on those exams at my own pace.

Instead, I was told to do both.

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A few years ago, I was even sent to coaching classes for government exams.

A lot of money was spent.

And when things didn’t go well,

people reminded me of that again and again.

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But the truth is…

My anxiety around exams increased.

I started feeling like this field is not for me.

Not because I’m not capable,

but because it doesn’t feel right.

Even now, when I try to explain this…

I’m not understood.

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I tried to say that I wanted to give exams after my graduation,

without doing my master’s.

Because I know I can’t handle everything together.

I’m already dealing with a lot mentally 😮‍💨

But instead of understanding,

it turns into pressure.

My father reminds me to “become something.”

My mother says if I don’t want to do it, then leave it ,

but in a way that feels like a taunt, not support.

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There are things I genuinely love.

Like dancing.

Especially dancing to K-pop songs 

 I really enjoy it 🙂

I know I can dance well.

I feel happy doing it.

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But every time I try to record something…

I hear things like:

“You only do this, nothing serious in life”

“What will happen to your future?”

“Focus on something useful”

And slowly, I start questioning myself 😮‍💨

Something I loved… starts feeling wrong.

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I had dreams too.

I wanted to be an actress once.

But I was told it’s not practical.

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Then I thought about becoming a dancer.

But I was told it can only be a hobby, not a career.

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And honestly…

that’s where something inside me broke a little 😭

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Right now, I’m at a point where I just want one thing:

✨ I want to be independent.

I want to earn.

I want to handle my own expenses.

I don’t want to keep asking for money for small things.

Even for something simple like fixing my phone or buying something for myself…

I want to be able to do it on my own.

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I did find an internship.

But I’m scared to even apply 😭

There’s also this feeling of loneliness.

Everyone is around ,

but still, I feel alone 😮‍💨

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I wanted to watch a movie once.

My mom said okay, but got busy.

I watched 30 minutes with my dad… and then he left too.

When I tried to say that I don’t get time with them…

it turned into anger.

I was told I’m always on my phone.

But the truth is…

I use my phone because I already feel alone.

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Sometimes I even question everything.

Like… why am I even doing all this?

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But then I find small reasons to stay okay 🙂

Even something like music… like BTS…

they help more than people realize.

✨ I don’t have everything figured out right now.

I’m just trying to understand myself,

handle things,

and somehow keep going.

🌱 I’m not perfect.

🌱 I’m not fully okay.

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But I’m still trying.